Today didn’t actually suck it was just a weird day! I woke up 3 times before 6 a. m. for starters!! Then I figured out what I wanted for lunch, packed all the veggies and fruit and yogurt I’d need for the day and put it in the fridge while I got dressed. Left for work about 20 mins earlier than “normal” and 30 mins into my hour drive realized my lunch was still in the fridge!! That one cup of cereal was wearing off already and I had nothing else to eat!!! Even the best laid plans……. So you see where this is going….
Got to work..quiet and peaceful. Round about 11 a.m. I couldn’t take it anymore but Pastor saved the day – he brought me some grapes and a plum! yea!! Then I found a poppy seed muffin in the kitchen. You ever notice how big those muffins are – wow!! I had to eat it in increments! Then I fixed a Boca Burger…..not all that good. Wasn’t hungry anymore but not “satisfied” either. I was missing my own lunch!!! Bwahhh Wandered back to the kitchen and stared into the fridge and then…I noticed underneath all the leftover candybars from Saturday…there it was a SNICKERS!!!! Yup…I ate it! Hmmmmm sooooo satisfying! Except about 20 mins later I was so sleepy I couldn’t hold my head up! Left work and got home about 5:30 and slept until 9 o clock!!! WTH???? Now I’m up….
Whether positive or negative, emotions are powerful…even overwhelming! Sometimes I feel as if my emotions need a makeover (an internal “cleanse” before the external will change!).
If not processed in healthy ways emotions can get stuck like a clogged drain. If we alter the way we view our situations we can change the way we respond to them…with wisdom rather than impulsive actions we regret later!
When we surrender our feelings, help comes from the One who has the power to blast away our emotional congestion. Lord – renovate me! Transform me so I can be balanced and healthy in my emotions! I need & want your power to change, to be wise, enjoy sound thinking and make good decisions in how I express myself. Ahhhhh – back to the Source – prayer is essential to managing emotions. For renewing your mind.
Thank you God for the power to change.
So much to do and I don’t seem to be making a dent! So much I want to do and I cannot get distracted! I want to work with my friend’s focus group but I must focus on completing the course I have chosen to run – becoming an Intentional Creativity Teacher. And I’ve got ideas waiting to become paintings but they haven’t gotten to the canvas yet or off the drawing board!
I walked 10,000 or more steps per day for two months in the Move 60: Get Healthy Central Florida challenge and plan to begin riding my bike daily…except I haven’t tested it out yet….I haven’t been on my bike since 2015 but I won’t allow fear of falling keep me from riding….I like it too much but I still haven’t tried to ride…yet.
I waiver too much, all the time. I feel as if I have no follow through, no support, no cheer me on kudo’s section. No “Good job, Phyllis!” Well, sometimes you have to encourage yourself! I can sing my own praises! I can pat my own back (sorta kinda), congratulate myself! So with all I have to do I am making headway, I can check things off my “to do” list even while the list continues to grow. I don’t want the list to stop growing because that would mean I am done! It’s the end of the line! So, nope, I’ll keep checking items off and keep adding to my list. I’m moving on! When I feel scattered and confused or overwhelmed is when I must breathe deeply, be still and listen to the Voice of Spirit for guidance and wisdom.
I can release the 60 pounds I need to let go.
I can order my time to accomplish what I need to get done.
I can successfully complete the tasks I have before me in a timely manner.
I can do what needs to be done by me.
I am alive with creative energy, awake to prospering ideas and open to unlimited goodness. Daily.
I can’t just pick up the dice I have to roll ’em. Take the gamble, take the leap, get out the boat (if I want to walk on water) and keep moving forward!
That’s how I roll!
I’ve been awake since 4 a.m. but I didn’t want to get up, so I didn’t. I did get up at five and got ready for my day.
Though I’m grateful for today, another day, I’m not looking forward to what may…or may not occur. What a dichotomy!!
I’m not looking forward to something that may or may not exist! What???
I am going to dig deeper into my sub-conscious in attempts to excavate the story that may be pushing to come out anyway. There is story, an old story that keeps replaying in my head and keeps me from flowing easily forward. It is time for the story to be told, to be heard, to be released from within my body walls. I want to release it, to let it go yet I do not know what the story is, what it needs to say or wants to say. I don’t know what is keeping it from coming out to breathe, to heal it’s wounds. I have not the language to give to its memories. I know not the part of me that is crying, dying for release. I believed all the parts of me came together, were gathered, were now in a safe place and begun their journey towards healing.
Yet there is still a part of me that cries out to be heard, to be worthy of being heard and seen. She feels shut down, even with doors opening she’s not walking through any of them. Some thing, some feeling of unworthiness is preventing her from moving through the open doors. There are many opportunities awaiting…I just have to go through the opening doors, seize the opportunities and know I am worthy. Feel my worth!
I can write these words but they must be imprinted on my heart, sealed in my psyche, accepted and enfolded into my subconscious. My body must feel my worthiness and lovingly accept it into every cell .
Who will mentor me? If no one can I must do the work as best I can on my own. I believe Lord, help Thou my unbelief. Father-Mother God, today, I come boldly, thanking You for Your goodness and faithfulness in my life. I lift up my heart in faith to You knowing my earnest prayers open the door for Your Power to move on my behalf! I am grateful Lord for today, for my life, this life. I am grateful for all that is revealed to me today. I am thankful for sacredness, for ritual, for practices that move me forward into the life You have for me to still live. Thank You for Your guidance and direction as I go along the path of my sacred journey. I want to share my story, my journey with others who may benefit from hearing it and can begin their own healing journey.
There’s so much I didn’t do (my yesterdays) and I’m attempting to understand the “Why?”
What is on the plate immediately in front of me is the course I’m presently participating in for Intentional Creativity. The month of April we Color of Women 2017 students were required to hold a Red Thread Circle, which I did on April 9th, and to teach a class on creating personal Soul Art (Affirmation) Card Decks and this I did last night April 28th. We students were also to be working on a painting all during the month…..this I did not do.
The painting of my Muse I didn’t “feel” like getting into, I wasn’t “feeling” my Muse calling to me. I didn’t “feel” anything for this Muse. What I did feel was my disappointment in my own work each time I looked at the work of the other students. I “felt” my inability to use symbols the way they do or “zentangle” all over the place or incorporate animals of all kinds in their work. Yeah, I was “feeling” quite inadequate this month. And yes I know I should not do comparisons but it is rearing its ugly head consistently.
I look at my work and I begin to shut down internally. I am committed to this process and too many others have invested in me for me to shut down or even consider quitting because I “feel” as if I’m not good enough. Quitting is what I usually do when the going gets too hard for me. I curl up but when the “feelings” go away I’m still here and I must face the issues.
Why do I not believe my work is good, good enough much less great?!! How do I rid myself of this old story of unworthiness? How do I uproot it? How do I begin to teach others to re-imagine themselves when I cannot begin to re-imagine myself? My thoughts swirl with “I’m not creative enough”, “I don’t see images”, “I don’t come up with great ideas” and so on and so on! Way too many. It’s as if the harder I work to lift myself – to Rise Up – the more my mind works against me to keep me fettered and chained where I presently am…..which is no where I want to remain. I find myself not doing anything I should be doing – like painting! I sink slowly into an immobile state of funk.
I do better, I “feel”, with human interaction not isolated or alone as I usually “feel”. I usually entertain myself at home but it is the choices I make based on my “feelings” that rule and I end up choosing that which is not moving me forward towards my goal because I didn’t “feel” like doing that right now….I’ll do it tomorrow which, of course, is not promised.
I do the required readings, watching of instructional videos, teaching and writings each month yet when it comes to the painting I freeze up instead of Rising Up. I “feel” as if I need to have someone around me from whom to bounce ideas. Then I figure I’ll just tough it out ’cause I can do this alone and still get it done. Then I am easily distracted and nothing gets done! No wonder my Muse goes away and is hesitant to return……she’s not “feeling” me.
Stress dumps cortisol into your body which attaches itself to your belly, your belly keeps getting bigger, you get more stressed out ’cause you’re getting bigger, you keep eating, your belly (and everything else) keeps growing and round and round you go! So now you’re depressed ’cause you’re stressed out from being bigger (than you wanna be) and the only thing that lifts your mood is……we already know snickers is my nemesis but tonight I didn’t have any! So there! (I’ll tell you later what I DID have). Your brain is making attempts to lift you out your low, sad, depressed mood so it’s sending you signals to suck up as much sugar as you can to raise your mood!By the time you’ve satisfied your cravings you’re anxious about what you’ve just done – how many calories was that? Why did I eat that? Now I’ll NEVER fit into those pants!!! And so on and so on and so on until you have an anxiety attack and guess what? You start eating all over again!!!! Comfort food. Hmmmm soooo goood.
Me stressed? Nah. Not depressed either, nor anxious about anything. Hmmm, I think that’s called denial.
Somewhere around 5 pm I ate a wonderfully delicious Healthy Choice meal (NO I did not pretty it up by putting it on a plate!).
Then I kept getting these thoughts about “not enough”. Not enough what??? No worries, I don’t have anything in my house that even looks like a “snack”! The cupboard is bare!
I walked into the kitchen, opened the freezer (full of Healthy Choice meals!), looked on the door and saw this little can. Same can that was in my freezer before I moved (back in April). Yup, I moved the can along with everything else.
It was a can of Bacardi’s Pina Colada mix. I put it in the blender, added strawberries, mangoes, peaches & some water, blended it and proceeded to drink 16 oz of fruity sugar water. Yeah, I feel just great. Ugh.
I’m having a crisis of faith…sort of. Doubt is easing it’s way into my dreams attempting to dismantle them. My “KickAss” 30 year old personality Self is having a difficult time staying in charge of things. I don’t know where to begin to get control of my life, putting things in order. I don’t seem to multi-task as well as I used to do.
It is my life and only I control what happens. I can do one small thing within my house to begin to gain control. I can get the papers under control and clean off the counter-top! The books I need to read I can find a place for them neatly on the counter so I can see them to remind me to read them. I can clean off my desk (can I find my desk?!). I can do one task at a time. I can control my circumstances within my own house.
I won’t feel obligated to do things that are taking time away from my course of study and I won’t feel guilty about it. I am feeling overwhelmed because I took my eye off my vision….off Christ . I began to look at all I haven’t done, all I couldn’t do and I stopped seeing the Christ Presence within me. I took my eyes off my vision….off Christ and I began to sink into the murky waters of doubt.
Comparison is not always a good thing. It is fertile ground for growing doubt and weeds of chaos. I see a painting by another classmate in training with me and I’m in awe and wonder how’d she do that?? Then I’d begin to think “I can’t do that! I don’t know that!, “Mine are awful!” “Why am I wasting my time?” “How can anyone support me if they knew, really knew that I can’t do any of this?!” “Who am I to think I could teach others they to could rise up when I myself am sinking?”
Who am I? I Am a child of the Most High God, a child of the Universe and I can do all I set my mind to do…if I have faith. Just a little is enough. Faith in God in me. Keeping my eyes on my vision and no comparing my vision to someone else’s because they are not me. They cannot walk in my shoes nor can I walk their path. Just a little faith will propel me forward. A little faith will keep the doubts from growing and will clear the field of comparison. Faith will keep me courageous when I seem to get overwhelmed. Faith will keep me looking forward and rejoicing at each small step I take towards completion of my tasks.
I can do all things through the Christ that strengthens me.
Life is energy and as long as I have life I will persevere.
I am renewed, restored and revitalized! I go forth into this day with a joyful heart and a buoyant step!
I have two, yes two, art receptions to attend today at venues where my art is on exhibit along with other fierce and fabulous women!
So, it is okay to have those moments of crisis, moments of doubt along the road “less traveled” as long as you don’t allow your doubts to take up residence in your mind. Throw doubt out and keep on truckin’!!
Fresh starts do bring unexpected people and opportunities into our lives but when starting over don’t leave all of the old behind.
Lives are just like collages, collages within collages composed of the unlimited elements of our living: collected experiences, faded memories, shredded beliefs, found knowledge, bitter lessons, haphazardly torn bits, and precisely cut pieces.
As the days of our lives unfold, old elements are subtracted and new elements are added — our Life Collage dynamically changes with us revealing a slightly different painting each day.
While it’s easy to use and reuse the pleasant, pretty pieces, resist the temptation to bury the ugly pieces deep within you. Don’t keep them “compartmentalized’.
Channel that angry, turbulent energy from a disappointment into a visual creation or performance that brings you compassion, joy and peace. Combine old fears with new insights to build confidence in yourself and by extension, into your work.
Push your depression into expression and see how differently you feel!
XPress YourSELF! (https://www.facebook.com/events/1233008646735125/)
Incorporating my intention, my vision, of becoming a Legend into the painting. I’ve gotten the idea, blessed it and I’ve begun the layering process onto the canvas…a big ass canvas too! No shirking here!
The written intention is me beginning anew, accepting and acknowledging what I am capable of accomplishing. For me there is always fear. A void I enter that freezes me. A vagueness before focus, anxiety before creativity, where I go from nothingness to abundance. I can and do become a creative expression of God at work through me. I remain open to Divine Ideas though I am a continuous work in progress working through the bumps, the hard parts, I move through the void toward the light. I am learning to grumble and grouse less and less and rejoice and accept more as It makes the process easier and simpler!
There are some things at which I am good, great at even! I am learning to acknowledge and embrace this as fact because it is my Truth. And I am learning to acknowledge though there are things that take me an extremely long time to comprehend and carry out I do complete the task! I finish the job and I produce what is needed.
Yesterday I traveled down a new road! Literally – I drove down a road I’d never been on before and for me that is a giant leap out of my comfort zone! I’m one who goes the same way, every day, every year….I do not wander. It is fear of being lost that keeps me from exploring. It is that same fear that would keep me from learning and growing!
So kicking fear to the curb I turned left instead of right – just to see where the road less traveled would take me. It took me home! Making that left turn showed me the road was a shorter distance than the way I had always taken and was literally “around” the corner from where I lived! I was so excited to have discovered a new way home!
Of course the road had always been there, it was me…I was the one who had opened to new possibilities. I looked fear in the eye and turned left anyway. I took the road less traveled and still found my way home.
I recently went down another “new” path for me…the world of fund raising online! Please listen to/watch my video,
read the story and if led to contribute, please do. I thank you!